my dog

A year ago, Jacob, my cocker spaniel was killed because he ran out in the road chasing another dog. Almost exactly a year later, I sit here wondering if my dog, Gracie, is going to make it. Same driver caused the trouble, and Gracie is at the vet. It's interesting to ponder like the worth of a dog in the eyes of God. It makes me wonder like I cry out for the dog to live for my grandfather's sake, but what is the dog worth to God. I mean God gives good gifts. I don't know maybe right now isn't the time to think deep. Pray for my grandpa and grandma if you're reading that they would cope through this well. We did the exact same thing last year. I want a dog to come back to the shop not a paw print.

I wonder sometimes.. when I think about my feelings. If they didn't all come out as anger.. could I deal with the hurt. I want to be furious tonight. I want to be real mad. But in reality it's all pain, deep pain. I long to love people and I fail a lot. I fail generally due to the fact that I am not flexible. I am actually quite inflexible. I have generalizations about most things I do. For instance, when I hang out with one friend we talk REAL deep. When I hang out with another friend, we generally do silly things and think of ways of showing other friends how much we love them.. or talk about our crap, not always the wisest decision. Another friend, I step over lines of wanting to love her, knowing that she believes me with touch... I have the generalization that we will fight. I have the belief that several things we do will be fun therefore, we should do those things. I am very inflexible. My other close friend.. well I just plan on her directing what we will do, generally we talk.. she directs the convo. All these people fit into the comfort zone of how i feel around them. What I love to do with them. Not one is better or worse. But very different. I rarely change my view of things of this sort. And I feel like these people might like it if i loosed up and allowed for changes in my relationships. I feel like God is going to make changes if I am unwilling to let them happen. Clear example from this evening of my going with the plan: I was planning on praying over a friend with direct intent. We open things up ask God for direction and dive into things that we don't really fully understand, but through God's grace He works through weak people. It's good. But tonight we started talking about life. Also a very good thing to do, but my head went it is not necessary to be here talking about life. I need to be with a friend that is sick. She has to be shot.. but did i do anything... NO. I sat there figiting like crazy. Now I sit in this seat, and I am not sure what to think. I asked someone to forgive me tonight. I think it may have been a bridge to trusting her... SWEET!!!! Relearned people don't just judge me. (I've learned this many, many times before) But I didn't take care of a sick friend. Where does the balance fit? How do I make wise decisions? It's not up to me, but I feel so guilty... I am NOT God, but how am I supposed to be used in situations. Loving people hurts. A wise friend mentioned that love involves pain many times tonight. It's true, and pain either cuts things off.. because of fear or it brings people closer. Sometimes I wonder how my friends stay like I fail all of them so often. I want to be perfect. I have pictures of perfection. Being here at this time, doing this for this person, loving them in this way.. because I know that is waht they need. My problem: I generally forget that there are MANY more members of the body that want to love that person, and its many people, too. Maybe I should start mobilizing love... haha.. just a funny thought. I can't do everything I want to do for people, but since i process it outloud I generally tell people what I would like to do for them and then I don't do it. Some times that is just lying because I end up being to lazy. Other times I don't ever feel like I made the commitment it was just a thought I would have liked to have done. Either way it generally hurts the person. Some friends are benefited by me asking for forgiveness.. others lack that because I never notice or feel it is necessary. I realized tonight something profound that messes up SO many relationships... MY EXPECTATIONS. God loves me, God is changing me. It amazes me to look back 2.5 years.. but life is still changing and needs to change a LOT LOT LOT more. I hope God gives me the blessing of keeping my friends.. but maybe as several friends say, "Friends are gifts, God doesn't have to let you have them forever." So I need to learn that God provides the people I need. He doesn't not back hand me. Oh, the struggle that could come in the near future. I am currently pretty amazed that I opened up in front of 3 people that I wouldnt normally. I'm tired. I think I am going to sleep. I hope when I wake up in the morning everything is in order. I thought that was funny.. since I am not in control of that at all...... :-) God is LOVE... He loves all. I hope my friends and I believe that more tomorrow than we did today.

can't sleep... can't sleep... can't sleep. I have prayed over everythign I can think of.. and outcome.. can't sleep. I don't think it was my nap. I think it mainly has to do with trusting God. I had this guy pray over me today so that I would understand better that God is my father. The whole trusting Him doesn't go so well... It's like the whole.. knowing stuff.. but not believing it very well. I know that I am protected, God told me. I know that He is here. He told me. But I am still scared. I'm not sure what I am going to do. It's very interesting. I am SO tired, but yet I can't sleep. I pray for trust in God... that He would give me strength to do that. I don't know. I don't like nights like this. Hopefully trusting God will increase more and more quickly... so that things like this aren't so much of a struggle. I feel like calling someone.. waking up my friend.. or anything that involves someone here with me, but I don't know how that would be good.. since I need to learn to trust Him. Oh, that sleep would come and come quickly. My plea.

Healing....

So as I walk into what could possibly be the most amazing conference I've ever been to.. that is saying a lot because the retreat I went to that Ed Noble taught at. OH MAN! Talking about the Holy Spirit, opening my eyes to things that were always present but I was ignorant... get me psyched. It actually was one of the first times the whole healing thing came up.
Story:
I was sitting after a talk, and this girl was talking about being really depressed. I was listening and feel empathetic towards her... I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Listen, listen, listen. "Kellie, if you place your hands on her and command the depression to leave she will not be depressed anymore" -God. Ok, so that hadn't really happened before. I was like thinking... ok, that was weird, but I'll IGNORE it.. and life will go on. (I wouldn't suggest ignoring God... it's generally not a good idea) So back... listen, listen, listen. same thing "Kellie, if you place your hands on her and command the depression to leave she will not be depressed anymore" -God. Ok so this happened like 3-4 times... and I finally was like ok, I guess this is real and good. So I opened my mouth. I said, "_______, God wants to heal you. He wants to take this depression away right now. He is willing to heal you." She looked at me. Then told me she didn't want it to leave. Being Kellie, the people pleaser I am, I said, "Ok." We discussed some other stuff and the night went on. I was later told by a mentory dude that I shouldn't listen to demons, people don't generally want to keep things like that, but oops. Thank goodness for God's grace.
So I have had several stories of that sort:
I'm in the mist of getting deliverance, and after I am cleaned out. PRAISE GOD! My arms started burning and I was told to put my left arm on the leaders shoulder, and God tells me after I do that He will tell me what I need to pray. It's a bit of a trust walk. I wimp out because I don't understand why I would be used the second I am free... like it was a bit confusing for me. I think the leader even asked if someone felt the need to pray over him. Then his wife and him took off. My normal self starts asking people if they were being told to pray and then I tell them what is going on with me. We took off to go down to his place. God told me what to pray over him. I didn't check back up on him so I don't know how it ended, but faith was grown none the less.
The other story that has happened to me is this:
Back at college two years ago, a guy on campus fell into a lake and died. The day they found him I was walking by the lake and saw the ambulances and police. I was minding my own business when God decided to throw me a curve ball. "Kellie, go place your hands on that guy and He will come back to life." Haha, God now that is REAL REAL REAL funny. I am NOT a lunetic!!! Hello.....! I kept walking... I mean I was going to class. A couple steps forward I am told the same thing and I just kept walking this happened multiple times. Then I started getting curious. So I walked up on the MU porch and watched for a bit. I got told the same thing, but this time I was given an exact route to get to the guy like I saw a very distinct line in my minds eye. I was like I can't do that. God do you know what would happen to me if he didn't come back to life like I would be put on the sixth floor. I prayed a bit and then walked to class. I later decided that God was doing some serious faith stretching through that. I'm 100% percent positive the guy would have come back, but God didn't have that in his plan because He knew his servant.
Other than that.. i just have random times sometimes where my arms start burning and I am like, "God, I don't understand."
So all this to say my experience has been... well interesting, but this weekend I get to go to a conference on Healing and I am pumped! I get to hang with some people that are going to understand me and help me grow. So I will blog further on that when I get back.

I've been getting excited about this ministry for awhile. I was talking to a friend last night and she was talking about sharing the gospel. I was like well I want to do it a little different. I want to do it like I picture Jesus did it. He went into an area, healed somebody and people watching that were hurting and such came to Him as Savior. I want people to find Him the same way they use to. I am excited to be His instrument in that, but since I want to do it like Jesus. He usually shared to gospel in some way. So in theory, I am doing the exact same thing that my friend was talking about. I just like to cause unnecessary arguments.. haha not really. I just do it alot on accident.
Another friend, mentioned that she read, I think, about this guy that likes to jump on trampolines like with his beliefs. I tend to lean that direction, but this guy says he has a lot of faithful people around the outside of his trampoline, so that he doesn't jump to high and fall off. I pray that God would put people around me also, so that I don't get lost like a lot of people that get too famous and such. I have faith that people like Joyce Meyers started with good intentions and such, but Satan tempted with money, fame, or something and that caused them to go off the straight and narrow. I want my friends to call me out on things like that; although, I need God to help me accept it well.
It will be interesting in the future like whether God will keep me in the US or send me overseas. I think this gift could be used anywhere. Praise God for grace! I pray that I would let God guide me to where I am supposed to be that is in His will. Indiana, here I come.

So today was very interesting... I am staying with my best friend since her roommate is out of town.. and this morning i woke up and thought I would take a quiz. So I walked outside to get my textbook and locked myself out of her apartment.. luckily i have my keys. I then went to work, the first part of work was hard. My grandfather was telling me how messed up everyone in my family is.. which is normal, but i about started crying... it's hard to listen to sometimes. Then my grandma showed up a bit crabby. We got the work done... through some more negative comments. I went to lunch with my grandma... and had some alone time. GOOD NEWS..... but then i went back to the shop... got into have to go fast mode since my grandpa mentions when i am toooo slow.
Here's the big story:
I walk inside to get my iced tea, walk back out and jump into the van. Back up three feet and hit a delivery vehicle. I guess he pulled in while i was getting my tea, which took 5-6 seconds tops. I looked at the cool little screen that tells you what is behind you and it looked like the guy was back like 9 feet which i could have made it through. I backed up, he turned around and his face went white... 1.5 seconds later... SMASH. Cost of damage: 1300 bucks... BUT thankfully we didnt have to turn it in.. so my insurance won't go up. whew.. cuz that would have been bad news! Yeah, so this has been a rough day to put it lightly. Now I am off to do the final night of bible study. I get to have pork chops then hang out with 6 kindergarteners for 1.5 hours... and then im done with that. chill time with a buddy.. and bed. OH what a day!

I never figured out what God was trying to teach me through this.... maybe He'll tell me eventually.