I wonder sometimes.. when I think about my feelings. If they didn't all come out as anger.. could I deal with the hurt. I want to be furious tonight. I want to be real mad. But in reality it's all pain, deep pain. I long to love people and I fail a lot. I fail generally due to the fact that I am not flexible. I am actually quite inflexible. I have generalizations about most things I do. For instance, when I hang out with one friend we talk REAL deep. When I hang out with another friend, we generally do silly things and think of ways of showing other friends how much we love them.. or talk about our crap, not always the wisest decision. Another friend, I step over lines of wanting to love her, knowing that she believes me with touch... I have the generalization that we will fight. I have the belief that several things we do will be fun therefore, we should do those things. I am very inflexible. My other close friend.. well I just plan on her directing what we will do, generally we talk.. she directs the convo. All these people fit into the comfort zone of how i feel around them. What I love to do with them. Not one is better or worse. But very different. I rarely change my view of things of this sort. And I feel like these people might like it if i loosed up and allowed for changes in my relationships. I feel like God is going to make changes if I am unwilling to let them happen. Clear example from this evening of my going with the plan: I was planning on praying over a friend with direct intent. We open things up ask God for direction and dive into things that we don't really fully understand, but through God's grace He works through weak people. It's good. But tonight we started talking about life. Also a very good thing to do, but my head went it is not necessary to be here talking about life. I need to be with a friend that is sick. She has to be shot.. but did i do anything... NO. I sat there figiting like crazy. Now I sit in this seat, and I am not sure what to think. I asked someone to forgive me tonight. I think it may have been a bridge to trusting her... SWEET!!!! Relearned people don't just judge me. (I've learned this many, many times before) But I didn't take care of a sick friend. Where does the balance fit? How do I make wise decisions? It's not up to me, but I feel so guilty... I am NOT God, but how am I supposed to be used in situations. Loving people hurts. A wise friend mentioned that love involves pain many times tonight. It's true, and pain either cuts things off.. because of fear or it brings people closer. Sometimes I wonder how my friends stay like I fail all of them so often. I want to be perfect. I have pictures of perfection. Being here at this time, doing this for this person, loving them in this way.. because I know that is waht they need. My problem: I generally forget that there are MANY more members of the body that want to love that person, and its many people, too. Maybe I should start mobilizing love... haha.. just a funny thought. I can't do everything I want to do for people, but since i process it outloud I generally tell people what I would like to do for them and then I don't do it. Some times that is just lying because I end up being to lazy. Other times I don't ever feel like I made the commitment it was just a thought I would have liked to have done. Either way it generally hurts the person. Some friends are benefited by me asking for forgiveness.. others lack that because I never notice or feel it is necessary. I realized tonight something profound that messes up SO many relationships... MY EXPECTATIONS. God loves me, God is changing me. It amazes me to look back 2.5 years.. but life is still changing and needs to change a LOT LOT LOT more. I hope God gives me the blessing of keeping my friends.. but maybe as several friends say, "Friends are gifts, God doesn't have to let you have them forever." So I need to learn that God provides the people I need. He doesn't not back hand me. Oh, the struggle that could come in the near future. I am currently pretty amazed that I opened up in front of 3 people that I wouldnt normally. I'm tired. I think I am going to sleep. I hope when I wake up in the morning everything is in order. I thought that was funny.. since I am not in control of that at all...... :-) God is LOVE... He loves all. I hope my friends and I believe that more tomorrow than we did today.