head overload

So i met with a group of people today and we were discussing all kinds of things about relationships... and how the past effects them. We talked about how the past seems to be an accent of the future.. like something we can't get rid of. It was all interesting and worth noting. I was wisely told that I should stop testing people, just trust. Testing people is not so good. It is a safety mechanism that I continue to use. If i tell you THIS then you won't be my friend anymore... it goes beyond being a vunerablility thing to being a control thing. The trouble is not being vunerable; although, I'm starting to conclude that I have more trouble with being vunerable than I thought.. like take crying. I never thought i had trouble crying in front of people till stuff starts coming up that I could cry about and then it's like... well cry.. BUT no that isn't necessary. So I want to keep in mind not testing people, I think i should ponder it some more though because I think that maybe i test things differently than I use to like maybe I test my use in the body of Christ as whether or not people will leave me. I am setting people up for the same failure because people don't just leave, but I still think sometimes that there is this one thing that will change everything.
Another thing that came up during group was thinking more positively. It came up because one of the girl's was talking down on herself. I have very similar thoughts to her sometimes. I was realizing that some of the reasons why my life doesn't change is because I say, "I don't want _______" but when I say that I walk straight towards that object, thought, action, whatever that I didn't want. We talked briefly about thinking about something positive that we could walk towards instead. Like fight the thought I don't want to be like my mom with I want to be assertive in this situation not the victim. And then doing the positive thing. It's a simple thing that will help out a lot. I also had a lot of thoughts on memorizing scripture because as everyone was talking i was thinking man scripture would beat these lies up like crazy. So maybe a friend's advice to memorize some scripture should not only be taken to heart but acted upon!
I was given a definition of anger today that made me think.. A girl said that anger was being hurt, but being safe about it. This got me excited because it gives me a vision of not being angry. If I get angry the next thought can be Why am I angry? the answer will be some form of hurt, so I need to forgive the person and God will take away those feelings. Wow! Unless it is righteous anger, but if that was the case... I could still pray; it would just be a different type of prayer. It's amazing how all the issues we talk about God has a way of dealing with them. We just have to walk towards it.
I relate a lot to feelings that I don't want to.. so I think that I should go through some feelings that I have about my mom again. Possibly cry and such. Two weeks ago, I walked out thinking.. man, I am a B**** in some situations with close friends.. this week i walked out with these thoughts. A lot more positive.... progress and growth... i should blog about my spring break so that i can put on paper what I feel about that.
Thoughts on life... waht a joy to voice.

So walking on...

It's weird to be like.. well I don't really know what I am going to be doing next year. It's been a rough bit of time.. realizing that I am going to have to say goodbye to friends that I thought I was going to be around for like 2 more years at least. I wonder if there will be another solid hello.. or will it be passing glances.. whispers in the quick sand of time that I get to see these people again. I want to say no... I want to be able to stay here.. but God has bigger ideas. I read through the whole website a little bit ago. It seems like the University is so expensive because of all kinds of new remodeling. I don't care so much about how things look, like I know I will like the really nice furniture and housing, but I also know that it is not necessary. I wonder about the Social Work program. I am sure it will get me ready for Graduate School... I wonder about the people out there.... are they lukewarm.. or are they running hard after God. Am I going to be able to engage in worship and such. but then i think stop.... you have been thinking about going to Turkey for over a year now... and the people in Turkey aren't going to hand you a worship service like C-stone.. so maybe I am going to learn how to better feed myself or something. Really its fun to think that everything is going to be alright. I was naughty this past weekend and I went and bought a mac computer... I am going to give my computer that I had been using to my brother who is starting college next fall. It was going to be fun being at the same college as him.. but nevermind that. I think I am getting sick... yuck.. you know the whole nose is running and won't stop plus the ear ache... and body aches.. but it'll be over soon enough. I don't know what is in store for me. I think I need to learn how to be flexible. I struggle with not knowing all the information involved in anything I do. But God still says Trust Me. and by all means He is worth trusting. So I sit another day wondering what this life is coming to, but walking forward becuase I know that everything will in fact be ok. It's great to have encouragement around me. I need it. Dependence on God is needed too........ and that is an eternal need.. so random thoughts splurt. The end.

An after thought

I think about the future and tend to get really confused. Then I get frustrated because confusion is not from God. It is from Satan. I wish I knew why I was being directed the way that I am. I yearned last year to hear from God, to see His power at work through me, to be a part of His Kingdom on Earth, but what have I gotten myself into. God speaks, I can hear, I now know how to test spirits, but its just so hard to hear God say go. I've always thought that God would say GO to this far away land and spread the gospel to people that I have called by name. Putting me in some place that is unsafe that I would solely have to depend on Him. It's possible that is in my future, but right now God says Go.. and this time He means a couple states away to a town the size of Ames to live on a legalistic campus and do ministry there. What will these people think of the higher gifts. Will they think I am crazy when I say God has given me the gift of healing? Will I have to fight to hear from God? No, He'll be right there with me the whole way. (I love when God speaks while I am thinking. Interrupting lies.) I titled my blog confusion made clear in God's time.. I should have ended it by saying, through my trust in Him. He is going to make this confusing time and any more that comes my way make sense in His time. Can I say I can't wait till that happens? :) Until them.. I feel like a child... who should only think of the right now.. because my Dad has control of the rest. He isn't going to let me stumble or walk in front of a truck going 40mph on the road in front of me. He is my Fortress, my Help in troubled times. My Rock, my redeemer, my healer, my Savior.... all truths about Him from His word. I like the fact that I am safe in Him. He is willing to put a hedge of protection around me, so that I can continue to walk in this world. Walk forward on His narrow path. I don't know exactly what is to come beyond: Indiana Wesleyan University next fall... unless God changes His mind and has something better for His dearly loved child. "I'm going to be ok." that is the general thrust of taht blog. But I just can't see the ok life yet. This might just be the life God wants for me to not see far into the future and always be ready to pick my self up and move where ever He leads. Confirmation from a friend that prayed about this was: Gen 12:1 and Matthew 10:37-39... Praise Jesus for answered prayer.. but oh goodness HOLD ON.