Surprises

Tonight something phenomenal happened, I went to a piano concert and thoroughly enjoyed it. This lady like worshiped with her hands. My body hardly ever, if ever has felt that calm. My being was like worshiping with hers. It was weird like one song came very close to making me cry, but my logical head was like THAT'S STUPID why would I cry over this. Seriously, there aren't even words. Man, God spoke beauty tonight through the keys of a piano. Bottom line: I will be going to more concerts in the future. Music be BEAUTIFUL and that's without words. Are you catching what I am putting down? Yeah, it's pretty tight.
I also feel like God answered prayer today. I asked last night and this morning for something and tonight I got to see fruit of God's work. It was pretty cool. God is good to all of us.
I am fairly sure I was welcomed into the Social Work program on Thursday. It went really well. Thank the Lord. I wasn't too nervous since God like sent me here from Iowa to go into the program, but nervous did creep up a little right before I went.
I feel sometimes like I'm scared to be more vunerable like I hold myself back, but when I think about it, it doesn't make sense because I never use to struggle with that. Or maybe I did struggle with it only it was to a different extent since I was in my homeland. I can't really break through the walls of others lives if I continue to not open up myself. This takes getting past people-pleasing because part of the reason my lips stay shut is because of fear of bugging people. Yeah, life. :)
My midterms are OVER! They all went fairly well. I should be getting both my Social Work ones back next week. YAY!
I've been home once now. It was quick like blink and it was over, but it was good. I got to see quite a few close friends, spend a little quality time with my family, and chillax quite a bit with my best friend. It was good!
yeah, so overall life is good. I still can't believe how much God has blessed me. How I'm changing. People don't think I look at everything from a negative viewpoint here.. that's cool. God is growing me. I'm going to keep on reading, reading, reading. :)
Night.

Deflated.

So I heard from several people how good a movie Fireproof was... to the point that i HAD to see it. I watched it tongiht and the message sent was amazing.. but I wasn't ready for what God had instore.... a memory. A memory in the context of a child filled with hope. I don't ever remember things about the duplex in Huxley, but tonight I saw the hallway with the piano and the pretty signed document above it. A document that said my parents had struggled... but they were RECOMMITTED to each other for life. Hope.. it outlined hope. My family was going to be ok. My family was going to stick it out. All kinds of hope came with that, but right now that memory breaks my heart. It helps me understand why it was so hard to hear that my mother changed her last name. It makes sense why there was so much anger when my mom's new husband did everything right and I didn't feel like my dad got a second chance. It makes sense that my father is striving to listen, love, and be more Christlike. I respect my father a lot. Shoot man, crying is tough. I dislike it, but its legit pain that needs to be expressed. I need to work through forgiveness. God please grow me. Love me.... thank you Jesus.

bathed in love....

I'm not sure what to write.... I probably should go to bed.... but I feel like I need to put some thoughts on here before I go to sleep, and then rethink about them tomorrow as I continue to hash them out. I was challenged tonight to think about rest. Beautiful, loving words were given to me, but hard words. I don't think it should be a fear to be in the presence of God for a long time, but sometimes it is. The challenge was to go a week without doing anything I would consider a "doing" for Christ. Just be for a week. This sounds strangely familar.. I think I have told a friend to do that a time or two... Just be. Well, now the ball is in my court, and I don't know what just be looks like. I do believe God wants to love me. I also believe that God does everything on His own, it is by His grace that He allows me to take a part in His work. I also have a fear of becoming apathetic.. this ugly word that haunts me over the shoulder. I want to live life in the will of God for God's glory. I do long for that. It's funny to think what a week could do. If I did it. I haven't committed yet. I want to be serious about it. But in a week, I think it's possible God could teach me alot about myself, and through the love of Him I think some solid lies (I'm not even sure what they are) could be overcome. It's a win situation besides getting past the fear. So this was going against my do-er attitude, I love being in God's work. When does that become my work.... when does that become somethign I am doing for outward appearance. SICK! I was thinking about compassion. Here's the deal, I don't feel that a word to describe me would be compassionate. I would describe myself as having a low view of me and being a people pleaser. I love bringing a smile to people's face, but I don't think that is always for the glory of God. I think sometimes its selfish. (number one sin that I have to repent of....) I was talking about compassion because God has been growing that area in me.... makes me wonder if people are praying for that or something. Today I almost started crying twice. The two people I trust here like solid, had hard stuff going on in their lives. I started to cry at lunch, but was able to pull myself together. And tonight the same sort of thing happened, but again I was able to hold myself together.... People that know me good... yeah, you're right I don't like to cry in front of people. :-/ But as I talked about this, these great gals mentioned that I am too hard on myself. (Have I heard that before?) I also talked tonight with a friend, and unearthed my issue of wanting affirmation. I remember striving really hard for it growing up. Grandma Jene and Grandpa Chris were on the FRONT LINES all the time... seriously, they were behind everything I did. Bless them. I love them so, but my kid heart yearned for my mommy and daddy to see. I remember my mom getting my softball number on a shirt and wearing it to a game... that was precious. I strive for affirmation and right now, I'm not even sure who I want it from. Another reason why the rest suggestion is a good one. Ok. so my head is spinning, and I think I am done putting thoughts together. Thank Jesus that tonight I was blessed with an amazing discussion that was so crazy loving, but in so much disagreement on stuff, but yet not disagreement. God really blessed it. I learned tonight that I have a lot more in common with two of my roommates than I knew. Praise the Lord for the placement in this state, school, and to ho. Wow. I'm almost a fourth of the way through, and Jesus is just getting started. I am going to keep accountability with these girls and maybe study some stuff out. So if you could pray that that would happen. That'd be tight. Also pray that God would place it on my heart to have a week without doing if that is what He would will. Losing control, but gaining so much from a more intimate relationship with Jesus. I have 4 tests and a paper due next week, so stess would be a good thing to pray for too. And pray that my roommates would continue to be blessed to be a blessing to others. Tonight was beautiful.

So since I am not blogging savy... my painting is sideways.. This is my self portrait. A couple things, first i drew my brain in there... the left side is BIGGER.. well the actual left side is bigger.. it looks kinda like the right side when you look at it. Also, I attempted to use fire likeness through out my whole being to signify the Holy Spirit... and I made a complete connectedness around the outside like a glove... get it Glove of the Holy Spirit. I would really like to grow and become more and more Christlike. I put a hat on becuase I like hats... and i drew the hair last.. can you tell? it doesnt really fit but oh well. yeah so thats my art project.. :D Now on to studying and the art paper.... I am DONE did you catch that DONE with art in 1 week!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!

I have a dream.....

WHAT CAN BE DONE?
I'm not exactly sure the direction to run in. I feel like I need to think a lot more, but I thought I would throw out there. Pray for wisdom, clarity of mind, and patience as I start thinking about a community based outreach for this city God has placed me in. I need to calm down, and I know this. I want to be 100 miles ahead of where I am, but I know that if this isn't God's will for me. It could potentially be a waste of mind time. I need His blessing in order to be a blessing to others. So if you wouldn't mind praying with me on whether this is a good direction to head in that would be tight. It's amazing what being involved with poverty, even just a taste of it can do to your heart. Jesus didn't judge, Jesus preached, healed, and cast out demons. Pray that I would know how to facilitate this if it be His will. I desire to have a vision of the end product. If you wouldn't mind praying for that too that'd be wonderful. If you know me well, you know that this is totally out of my comfort zone... I didn't enjoy the day we spent in Philly at a soup kitchen. I have trouble with smells. I have a list of excuses as Moses had, but in the end it has NOTHING to do with me. Pray for confimation that this is a good direction to head in. Let me know. I love you all!

"I desire to do Your will my God
For Your great Name
I long to love You my Lord
For Your love is all I need."
-Jesse

random read

So in my child development text book there is a statement that says, "Social workers could provide more services at day care sites and advocate for more affordable, higher-quality day care services." This text is Dimensions of Human Behavior By Hutchinson. I think that is a pretty ironic statement to make, more affordable and higher quality.... if only that could happen in higher quantities than it does.

concert.. and cookies!

So I went to a concert with this shirt on.. hahahhahaha

I also made some yummy cookies this week.. since everyone knows that I don't cook. I actually put almond extract in my mouth.. thinking it would be sweet.. but it WASN'T!! So yeah, overall I cooked, i mean BAKED cookies! Had a lesson on the phone from a roommates father.. haha.


I get to come home in 12 days for 3 days!!! Whew, I am pumped to see people. My bestie friend is going to pick me up at the airport!!! :) I have lots of papers and tests before that.. but when it comes it will be GRAND!!!!