Nightmares..... lessons?

So last night I had a nightmare... it goes a little like this.. my mom was in a car accident and the baby with her was killed just because my mom died like the guy who came to the scene shot the baby in the head because he didn't want the kid to have to grow up without it's mother. Then I woke up.. like a little shaken, that's speaking very mildly. I woke up a friend and talked it out a little and went back to bed. Right back into it, now I'm talking to different relatives about the death. Going to funerals, talking it out with my best friend. Turn around she's been being very helpful, but with the thought process of the chance of death. She makes a video about the possibility of death. Don't ask me why. Well, she dies before she even mentions it to me. Now I am like seriously in a tizzy. I talk to my dad, and he offers to take me to the funerals along with a women that is being helpful. I finally get to start to see this movie that my friend made and I wake up in the middle of it.
First thought- Someone is praying that I would see relationships as gifts.
I'm not 100% sure that is true, but it is quite possible. I'm going to hope and pray it is prophetic in like the literal or figuritive sense, but yeah last night was interesting.

http://swc-spilt.blogspot.com/

Back in Ames

I got back to Ames safely. Life is going alright. I knew it would be somewhat stressful figuring out how to see everybody. It's always interesting. I got to have a party last week with some friends and the host made LASANGA one of my favorites!!! It was awesome. Solid hangout time. Seen a great deal of the grandparents and gotten to hang out with my best friend. Life is good. I haven't slowed down yet. This is the first go at slowing down, so I get to read my Bible and pray which is going to be really good. I also get to pray with a girl at 2 which sounds pretty tight. I haven't gotten to pray with somebody for awhile.
This last semester was a gift from God. Classes were a blast (for the most part), friends were great (even the ones in ames or elsewhere), finding a church was interesting... still a process I am in. God works in funny ways which is a common thought when he does something weird, but it happened a lot this semster. Like early in the semester, God was like you need to pray over a housemate.. kellie wasnt sure about that.. but I obeyed, got a little discouraged as to what I thought was unanswered prayer to later find out that God did answer and it was good. I am in the midst of learning about money and self control. It's hard, I love buying things for people, but sometimes it goes to the extent of like buying friends.. like that isnt the intent, but when someone gets mad or something I make it up to them with an object.. not so hot, but God is working on that area of my life.
My wisdom teeth need to come out. I have a consoltation tomorrow, but there are no openings before i go back to school. So that's just real interesting.
I had a moment a couple days ago of wanting a dog again which is a problem.. because I don't really like animals so much, but i always think if it were my dog and i knew what i fed it and how much i bathed it and stuff. Then I would like it more and actually want to pet it and such. We'll see if I ever get a dog. Shih-tzu would be the dog currently. My parents had one when I was born.
Life's moving and it will continue to.. so we'll wait and see what happens. Oh, and I am starting a social work blog if you have any interest in reading it. I'll post the address later... I have to make it first.

Hey, so I am officially the Social Work Club President! Woo Hoo!!

Question of the day: What does it mean to cast lots? At the end of Acts 1 when it talks about choosing Matthias to take Judas's spot, they cast lots to see who should be in it. What does that mean???

Friendship

I had an epiphany this past break. It consisted of finding out that I really don't need anyone but God. I traveled a lot over break. Enjoyed my time with Katie, my mom's family (Amy included :P), and my dad's family. But each step was an enjoyment. I miss people frequently, but this weekend I realized that I don't really need anyone but God. In each situation, I need to pray. I need to be in communion with God. I can get by not communing, but life just gets more and more something.... till I turn back. God's growing me. It's tight.
Friendships are looking different. I spent time in high school figuring out how to stay connected with several friends.. well, I still know them, enjoy time with them, but its a rare occasion. My friends from Iowa State are still close. I don't see them everyday like before, but I talk to a lot of them. Friendships are great, but God is the one that remains.
I really love to get to know people and for them to get to know me. I'd ask that the people reading would pray for me. I have a friend who I would love to have open up with me, but as time passes I'm not sure that it will happen. Would you pray that God would open a door for me to share life mutually with this friend. It's hard for me to be patient, I like to pry, but for some reason I haven't been doing that. Praise the Lord!!!! Pray for me in this situation that I would be loving no matter what even if God never opens the door up. I mean I don't see that being a problem. I love this girl a lot, but pray is always good. :)

conviction

My sister....
I have been praying for her to stay committed to reading her Bible for quite some time now. It was crazy, we are in the car... and my sister says what are you reading in the Bible right now? I'm thinking, I have been planning on asking you that for like weeks... but you asked me. I said I've been reading Job which is true but it was for class. My little 11 year old sister is reading her Bible makes me smile but makes me think I should value reading the word more...

It's been a month since I posted on here... man time flies... I got a sweet job, the semester is almost over, and I am slowly but surely growing up.
This break has been crazy.. drove to Cedar Rapids for 24ish hours, drove to Ames for 36ish hours.. drove to Chicago for the weekend and then back to Marion, IN. :) how do you spell that... C R A Z Y
Anyhow, since I am a feeler here's the way tonight went. I drove with my sis and dad for 6 hours.. talked to Bjo along the way. Thought since I had been praying for God to take His daughter home and end the pain, that I wouldn't have to go through the grieving process. When I showed up at the funeral, I walked into a sea of people i kinda knew. Then I saw Elly, beautiful lively Elly lying in a casket not with us anymore, but it was a weird feeling. Tears came, but she looked at peace. She's not with us anymore. She's dancing and singing for Jesus. What a beautiful thing to see a woman who was 76 years old who worked till 2 months before she died and the only reason she stopped was because of the cancer. She strove to love people everyday of her life. She taught kids in a district of Chicago that teacher don't want to teach in. But Elly didn't view stuff like that.. she said, "EVERY CHILD CAN READ." and she taught the one's to read that "couldn't ever" read. it's going to be amazing tomorrow to go to a funeral full of people that were touched by one woman's life. She's not famous or a big name, but she WILL be remembered. Elly Taheny is a woman that will always be a role model for me. I desire to love people like Jesus and Elly showed that its possible to love the unlovable.
"God let that be so in my life. Let me love the people that are overlooked, the "ugly ones", the fat ones, the weird ones, the geeks, the judged people of this Earth of this country. Father, I want to be a woman after your heart. A woman that touches people with your Spirit. Move through me please. In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen."

I believe in dreaming big. I believe in God directing my path. I believe God has a plan and reason for each step we take. I believe that I need to obey in the little things and I believe God will make a way for that to be possible.

God has seriously blessed me this semester beyond what I could have ever imagined. i'm not sure I want to write about it quite yet, but I can sure share about it. God's plan is greater than ours even when his plan sounds crazy. Follow... He is the Shepard.

Surprises

Tonight something phenomenal happened, I went to a piano concert and thoroughly enjoyed it. This lady like worshiped with her hands. My body hardly ever, if ever has felt that calm. My being was like worshiping with hers. It was weird like one song came very close to making me cry, but my logical head was like THAT'S STUPID why would I cry over this. Seriously, there aren't even words. Man, God spoke beauty tonight through the keys of a piano. Bottom line: I will be going to more concerts in the future. Music be BEAUTIFUL and that's without words. Are you catching what I am putting down? Yeah, it's pretty tight.
I also feel like God answered prayer today. I asked last night and this morning for something and tonight I got to see fruit of God's work. It was pretty cool. God is good to all of us.
I am fairly sure I was welcomed into the Social Work program on Thursday. It went really well. Thank the Lord. I wasn't too nervous since God like sent me here from Iowa to go into the program, but nervous did creep up a little right before I went.
I feel sometimes like I'm scared to be more vunerable like I hold myself back, but when I think about it, it doesn't make sense because I never use to struggle with that. Or maybe I did struggle with it only it was to a different extent since I was in my homeland. I can't really break through the walls of others lives if I continue to not open up myself. This takes getting past people-pleasing because part of the reason my lips stay shut is because of fear of bugging people. Yeah, life. :)
My midterms are OVER! They all went fairly well. I should be getting both my Social Work ones back next week. YAY!
I've been home once now. It was quick like blink and it was over, but it was good. I got to see quite a few close friends, spend a little quality time with my family, and chillax quite a bit with my best friend. It was good!
yeah, so overall life is good. I still can't believe how much God has blessed me. How I'm changing. People don't think I look at everything from a negative viewpoint here.. that's cool. God is growing me. I'm going to keep on reading, reading, reading. :)
Night.

Deflated.

So I heard from several people how good a movie Fireproof was... to the point that i HAD to see it. I watched it tongiht and the message sent was amazing.. but I wasn't ready for what God had instore.... a memory. A memory in the context of a child filled with hope. I don't ever remember things about the duplex in Huxley, but tonight I saw the hallway with the piano and the pretty signed document above it. A document that said my parents had struggled... but they were RECOMMITTED to each other for life. Hope.. it outlined hope. My family was going to be ok. My family was going to stick it out. All kinds of hope came with that, but right now that memory breaks my heart. It helps me understand why it was so hard to hear that my mother changed her last name. It makes sense why there was so much anger when my mom's new husband did everything right and I didn't feel like my dad got a second chance. It makes sense that my father is striving to listen, love, and be more Christlike. I respect my father a lot. Shoot man, crying is tough. I dislike it, but its legit pain that needs to be expressed. I need to work through forgiveness. God please grow me. Love me.... thank you Jesus.

bathed in love....

I'm not sure what to write.... I probably should go to bed.... but I feel like I need to put some thoughts on here before I go to sleep, and then rethink about them tomorrow as I continue to hash them out. I was challenged tonight to think about rest. Beautiful, loving words were given to me, but hard words. I don't think it should be a fear to be in the presence of God for a long time, but sometimes it is. The challenge was to go a week without doing anything I would consider a "doing" for Christ. Just be for a week. This sounds strangely familar.. I think I have told a friend to do that a time or two... Just be. Well, now the ball is in my court, and I don't know what just be looks like. I do believe God wants to love me. I also believe that God does everything on His own, it is by His grace that He allows me to take a part in His work. I also have a fear of becoming apathetic.. this ugly word that haunts me over the shoulder. I want to live life in the will of God for God's glory. I do long for that. It's funny to think what a week could do. If I did it. I haven't committed yet. I want to be serious about it. But in a week, I think it's possible God could teach me alot about myself, and through the love of Him I think some solid lies (I'm not even sure what they are) could be overcome. It's a win situation besides getting past the fear. So this was going against my do-er attitude, I love being in God's work. When does that become my work.... when does that become somethign I am doing for outward appearance. SICK! I was thinking about compassion. Here's the deal, I don't feel that a word to describe me would be compassionate. I would describe myself as having a low view of me and being a people pleaser. I love bringing a smile to people's face, but I don't think that is always for the glory of God. I think sometimes its selfish. (number one sin that I have to repent of....) I was talking about compassion because God has been growing that area in me.... makes me wonder if people are praying for that or something. Today I almost started crying twice. The two people I trust here like solid, had hard stuff going on in their lives. I started to cry at lunch, but was able to pull myself together. And tonight the same sort of thing happened, but again I was able to hold myself together.... People that know me good... yeah, you're right I don't like to cry in front of people. :-/ But as I talked about this, these great gals mentioned that I am too hard on myself. (Have I heard that before?) I also talked tonight with a friend, and unearthed my issue of wanting affirmation. I remember striving really hard for it growing up. Grandma Jene and Grandpa Chris were on the FRONT LINES all the time... seriously, they were behind everything I did. Bless them. I love them so, but my kid heart yearned for my mommy and daddy to see. I remember my mom getting my softball number on a shirt and wearing it to a game... that was precious. I strive for affirmation and right now, I'm not even sure who I want it from. Another reason why the rest suggestion is a good one. Ok. so my head is spinning, and I think I am done putting thoughts together. Thank Jesus that tonight I was blessed with an amazing discussion that was so crazy loving, but in so much disagreement on stuff, but yet not disagreement. God really blessed it. I learned tonight that I have a lot more in common with two of my roommates than I knew. Praise the Lord for the placement in this state, school, and to ho. Wow. I'm almost a fourth of the way through, and Jesus is just getting started. I am going to keep accountability with these girls and maybe study some stuff out. So if you could pray that that would happen. That'd be tight. Also pray that God would place it on my heart to have a week without doing if that is what He would will. Losing control, but gaining so much from a more intimate relationship with Jesus. I have 4 tests and a paper due next week, so stess would be a good thing to pray for too. And pray that my roommates would continue to be blessed to be a blessing to others. Tonight was beautiful.

So since I am not blogging savy... my painting is sideways.. This is my self portrait. A couple things, first i drew my brain in there... the left side is BIGGER.. well the actual left side is bigger.. it looks kinda like the right side when you look at it. Also, I attempted to use fire likeness through out my whole being to signify the Holy Spirit... and I made a complete connectedness around the outside like a glove... get it Glove of the Holy Spirit. I would really like to grow and become more and more Christlike. I put a hat on becuase I like hats... and i drew the hair last.. can you tell? it doesnt really fit but oh well. yeah so thats my art project.. :D Now on to studying and the art paper.... I am DONE did you catch that DONE with art in 1 week!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!

I have a dream.....

WHAT CAN BE DONE?
I'm not exactly sure the direction to run in. I feel like I need to think a lot more, but I thought I would throw out there. Pray for wisdom, clarity of mind, and patience as I start thinking about a community based outreach for this city God has placed me in. I need to calm down, and I know this. I want to be 100 miles ahead of where I am, but I know that if this isn't God's will for me. It could potentially be a waste of mind time. I need His blessing in order to be a blessing to others. So if you wouldn't mind praying with me on whether this is a good direction to head in that would be tight. It's amazing what being involved with poverty, even just a taste of it can do to your heart. Jesus didn't judge, Jesus preached, healed, and cast out demons. Pray that I would know how to facilitate this if it be His will. I desire to have a vision of the end product. If you wouldn't mind praying for that too that'd be wonderful. If you know me well, you know that this is totally out of my comfort zone... I didn't enjoy the day we spent in Philly at a soup kitchen. I have trouble with smells. I have a list of excuses as Moses had, but in the end it has NOTHING to do with me. Pray for confimation that this is a good direction to head in. Let me know. I love you all!

"I desire to do Your will my God
For Your great Name
I long to love You my Lord
For Your love is all I need."
-Jesse

random read

So in my child development text book there is a statement that says, "Social workers could provide more services at day care sites and advocate for more affordable, higher-quality day care services." This text is Dimensions of Human Behavior By Hutchinson. I think that is a pretty ironic statement to make, more affordable and higher quality.... if only that could happen in higher quantities than it does.

concert.. and cookies!

So I went to a concert with this shirt on.. hahahhahaha

I also made some yummy cookies this week.. since everyone knows that I don't cook. I actually put almond extract in my mouth.. thinking it would be sweet.. but it WASN'T!! So yeah, overall I cooked, i mean BAKED cookies! Had a lesson on the phone from a roommates father.. haha.


I get to come home in 12 days for 3 days!!! Whew, I am pumped to see people. My bestie friend is going to pick me up at the airport!!! :) I have lots of papers and tests before that.. but when it comes it will be GRAND!!!!

Cleaning my bathroom...

I clean my bathroom for stress relief. I don't have anything due this upcoming week, BUT attempting not to procrastinate I looked ahead. I've been getting excited to come home for Fall Break on Oct 16th, but prior to this.... let's just put it this way... AHHHHHHHH!!!! hahahahaha. Oh man, so I have 3 papers due and midterm week. But when I go home, it is ALL over for another 3-4 weeks. haha. Oh life. The joy of being a college student in a shorter term school. Yeah. If you read this on Sunday night.. pray that my prof would work with me and let me write my art paper on the art piece I loved. I have proof I was at the museum, but no proof that I was in front of the piece I want to write about. Uber frustrating for a non-artsy person like me. Of course you can't take pictures of contemporary art.. DUH! tis life. Yeah this week should be good. I'm not sure about the job. I haven't gotten a call back yet. :-/ but honestly, maybe its better not to have a job. Life is going. I feel like I'm growing in practical ways instead of spiritual ways which is good, but different. Praise God for what He does!

life

so today I was able to learn about grace... and it was hard actually. I took a nap this afternoon and woke up in a very goofy mood. Spent some time getting angry at my art book... and then went to dinner with two lovely ladies. They thought I was funny which tends to make me want to be funnier. Came back to my room, talked to another lovely lady, then went downstairs and met one of my roomies parents. The dad was a hoot and I think we were playing off each other both being goofs. So I hadn't seen one of my roommates for a few days. I was sure she was busy, but I knew she had to work all night. So I went into bug her anyway. She's super busy, needs sleep, and she's sick. :( So being Kellie, I solved the problem with caffenine. haha. not really but you know. I told her I could drink a doubleshot and she could too. So I went and got them. Little forward, she doesn't drink much caffenine. So I decide I'm going to chug it. I get lots of liquid in my mouth. She takes a small drink, and its REALLY strong, so she made a face, which of course made me laugh... I ran for the door, but didn't make it. Like expresso went everywhere, and the sweetheart had to go to work in like 15 minutes. She stayed late to help me clean it up. She didn't get mad or even upset which would have been expected being tired and all. Then before she left she mentioned that she really appreciated my generosity. I'm thinking my generosity.... just like spewed expresso on your favorite photograph. Friends check this out: She said, "It's just stuff, you're much more important than stuff." Wow, God blessed me with that friendship. I mean I thought about continuing to beat myself up tonight, but then I decided it wasn't worth it. I am going to learn to trust this amazing girl! So I am going to continue my night smiling because God is gracious and I just saw Jesus's face through a friend! Bless her heart!
I just got through my test week which is why I haven't been blogging. I have been studying A LOT. 5 tests in a matter of three days, that's like tighter than ISU's final week. YUCK! It's over. I think I passed all of them. Yay! Funny story, so i am starting my social work exam and I hear this phone going off. I start getting annoyed becuase it just keeps going off. Then I realized it's my ipod that is ON. OOPS!!! So i scurried and fixed it, hoping my prof wouldn't think i was cheating digging in my bag.
I am learning to trust more and more out here. Like I have several guys I can talk to... 3 that is. I have my roommates that I am learning to trust more and more. It's great. I texted them tonight to see about dinner, and all three responded and one could eat with me. YAY! All in all I am enjoying life out here.
I thought I would share this since I love my great aunt Elly a lot. I wrote her a poem. If you would like to put a prayer up for her and for my family. She having health problems, and probably won't make it. This is my understanding from talking to people from home. I wrote her a poem of admiration. I hope after reading this you can see the impact Elly Taheny is leaving on Earth.

Beauty
Words cannot say what a heart has felt,
But, what if, that is all you're dealt.
I sit back thinking on your life,
And how you looked at obstacles of strife.
I never heard you utter a harsh thought,
Nor saw you give up on this battle fought.
You continue to see hope,
Amidst this high slope.
I know that children will grow up,
And remember you overflowing their cup.
You may have spent some of your days bald,
But I know that you have been called.
I’ve heard you sing a hymn,
Felt the Spirit deep within.
Remembering your smiling face,
And your continually warm embrace.
Wisdom falling off your lips,
Whether in Ames or on our different trips.
This battle is coming to an end,
But really it’s just a bend.
I know that I will see you again,
Beneath our Sovereign Lord, Amen.

I know that my sister and I have felt Elly's love for a long time. She has been a close relative even though she is from Illinois. It's going to be hard to see her go, but it is a blessing to know that I will see her again one day. Once again please pray for my family as we walk through this time. We are spending the weekend in Chicago for what I understand to be closure. Peace and love sent to everyone reading this. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good! I know Elly believes this.

I went to an interview today.. If I get them everything they need, I think I have a job. Although, it's 25.5-29 hours per week.... thats a BUNCH. I am also going to start volunteering at Salvation Army on Thursday morning that should be fun. I will be helping out with the food pantry.
This past weekend was great, my roommates hung out with me a lot. I met a couple new people and all around had fun. Friday I really wanted to drive home for the weekend, but I stayed and am glad I did. I have tests starting on Friday through the following week, one in each of my five classes. Could be very interesting... honestly, I should probably be studying instead of typing..... oops.

I just had a chai... and I thought I would nudge a friend in Omaha.. you should get one. They be good! :D

Tonight is my night class for 3 hours.. after that BED! I have been sleepy today.

Oh to Grace...

So yeah, I've had a rough past couple of days. I am so used to having people around me 24/7 that this whole not being around people MOST of my days is killing me. I haven't ever felt so lonely. It's interesting to think about how God could use this phase of my life in the future to help someone else out. I say that but need to add that is how I desire my heart to be, I'm not there. Right now, I just ran 2 miles, showered.. and hope that something will happen tonight that will be fun and I'll feel a part. I am ready. And maybe tonight will be a failure also, but at least I will know that I tried. I hate the word try, but that were I am at.
Trust me, I LOVE my classes. I BELIEVE God wants me here. I just really wish I had more friends... Pray for me to believe truth tonight. Thanks for being my friends back home... and family of course. I'm hanging in there. It has taken everything in me... and some help from my dad to convince me to not come home. I got to say, my dad talked to me for a bit, he was attempting to fix the problem. Then he called me and left a message while i was running that said, "I just realized that maybe I responded wrong... I think I should have just listened." It made me happy. My dad is growing SO much! :) Keep praying for me. I have an interview next Tuesday for a Res Tech in a Mental Health clinic which would fill up a lot of my time. :D That would be really nice. Keep praying please.

Oh goodness

Coming to the close of three days, I was expecting to be enlightened or something of the sort. What I didn't expect was for God to tell me to hug a random girl I was sitting next to. It's interesting the things I am willing to do, and the things that I go, Oh goodness, you have got to be joking. Well, this particular girl looked very nice and so my head thought she would flip out if I asked her if she wanted a hug. God affirmed that wouldn't happen. I told Him it would. He REaffirmed it wouldn't happen. Then the service ended and I walked my separate way, after listening to a message about willfully sinning. ERRRR.... so obviously since God gave me lots of opportunity to do this and I didn't I knew I would feel guilty. So I am walking back... and I am like "God, I am a failure." and God being the loving dad he is says, "No you're not. You're loved" Oh goodness, what a night. God is helping me through some stomach trouble. And I don't listen in the little stuff. God forgive me for that and still let me be a vessel of Your Spirit.
I thought I would let everyone know since I think people care about this sort of thing. Today during my ample amount of time to study, I had a firm feeling of missing my Body of Christ I am use to being around. I miss everybody. God is totally providing for me. He loves me SO much.
On another note, it's one of my house mates birthday tomorrow. This girl makes me happy in my heart! She's like optomisic all the time, loves to love on people... and its totally genuine, yeah, beautiful display of Christ. So if you wanted to lift of a pray that God would continue to bless her to be a blessing to others. Thanks~! Love you all!!!

Hard Night

So last night was rough... I went to a baseball game that was fun to watch, but I didn't know anyone. I thought it was a prime time to meet some people that also like sports. Well, everybody else went with somebody... I ended up sittin on the bus ride to ohio with a guy for 3 hours. Then when I got to the game, I was relieved and hopeful. This was squashed by the fact that I was on the end of a row with a guy sitting next to me with his girlfriend on his other side. All that to say, I didn't meet anyone... :( And I was with people for 10 hours. Made for a sad night. On the ride back home, I started thinking about what church to go to this morning. And I got that I should listen to a sermon on Matt 6 from John Piper. So being silly, I was like well lets see if I remember in the morning. This morning when I woke up the first thing through my head was listen to a sermon by John Piper on Matt. 6. When I got online and looked it up, Matt 6 talks about anxiety. It's a passage I know very well. But the sermon I just listened to talks about battling unbelief. Waring against the lies that are put in my head. Piper talked about it like a race car that an enemy throws dirt on the windshield. In order to see clearly again, you have to put on the wipers and washer fluid. His examples are symbolizing prayer and supplication. Praying in the Spirit for help believing the truths that are in the Bible.
Keep praying for my anxiety.. pray that I would believe truth. My stomach shouldn't control my life, but its slowly turning that way. :(
Couple verses to leave you with:
Ps. 56:3 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Piper mentioned that the Bible doesn't say I put my trust in you therefore I am not afraid. It says WHEN I AM afraid, I will trust you."
1 Peter 5:7 "casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

homework ALL day... here we go!

Couple days in....

So I thought I would start by saying... please pray for my stomach... oh goodness. It's kinda a mess at this point like ya IBS is definitely eating me alive. It takes away my concentration in class and problems like that. Please pray God would calm my body down or whatever else you think should be prayed. Some people probably don't understand at all... and my sister, mom, and the rest of her fam could like nod A LOT. Please pray.
On a happier note, I am enjoying getting to know people here. I got to go rollerblading with a friend last night and talk, it was good. I'm to the point where I can tease with my roommates which makes me happy. It scares me sometimes because I feel rude. But they all said if I'm rude they'll let me know.. and laugh anyways. :) Last night, I watched a SCARY movie.... I like never do that... it was totally peer pressure. And the movie was, Secret Window.... which means we got to the end and were like why did we watch that... but oh well. It was nothing like Number 23... that one really messed with my head.
Classes are great, here's a quick synopsis if you haven't heard-
Old Testament- going to be A LOT of reading, journaling, hard core tests... but solid info and the prof is interesting so it'll be good. MWF 8:55am... this class is the one that makes my stomach so sick... and then i have the long day ahead :( but PRAY. God is good!
Fine Arts- This class is going to be interesting... even though i am not an artist. I get to go to a mueseum and write a paper on a piece of art that I thoroughly enjoy.. so that should be fun!
Chapel- music is tight... most played song "Saviour King" and the messages are tight too.. its weird cuz its so short, but its been good so far. Next week is Fall Summit so there are more chapels and a cool speaker!
Philosophy- ok.. imagine with me. Ben Franklin with short hair, but still the little curl that happens. Yeah, ok this is my prof for this class. I say that because he is so cute. He has a whistle to keep everyone awake which is funny. We are reading a book called Sophie's World. I get to read the first 5 chapters before Tuesday night. I'm not sure about Philosophy yet; although, I loved the thought processes he took us through last week which means I'll probably like it.
DRUM ROLL.........
SWK 170- ok here comes the nerd. We went over a case study the second day... and let's just say I fell in love. It was so amazing to know that I am going to help people, people don't do everything right or like I would necessarily do it. It was fun pondering what the social worker did right, and how I would have done it differently. One of my thoughts got shut down, but it was good to see that happen and learn from it. Oh, I know these classes are goign to be TOUGH, but oh I have love for this area. It is totally me, and God is goign to bring me through it for His glory and that makes me SO happy!
SWK 342- This prof is amazing. He cracks me up, keeps our attention, is real. I'm told his class is very hard, but I feel like most classes here fit in that catagory. It's human behaviors and I LOVE it.
I am going to a baseball game tonight. Reds vs. Cubs in Cincinnati. Fun stuff. Thanks for praying for me. God is moving. God is good! I am SO blessed.

computer takes over...

This morning was interesting. I went downtown to find the Grant Blackford Mental Health, Inc. to see if they had a job opening. Turns out that they do, BUT the position is for nights that start at 3pm and I have class everyday but friday till at least 3:15... so hopefully when the lady calls to talk to me we can work something out. I had one other job that sounded promising. You know data entry and FILING!! My long lost love----- filing. I went to the room number that I remembered... but the office was HUGE and I made a complete fool out of myself. Finally, to find out a computer is now doing the work that they were having students do, so the job is full. Found it slightly humorous. If I get the job at the Mental health clinic, I will have Tuesday and Thursdays till 1:30 free which would be amazing homework time. Pray that that would either work out or the door would be slammed in my face. I mean I guess God knows everything, so He knows I like clear answers... but anyway.
So tonight I am going to be doing 3 hours of PHILOSOPHY.... that will either be super fun... or if I don't like philosophy... really LONG. Hopefully I like philosophy. Life's good. Nerves are relatively low...
Here we go...

My new room

So I got a walk in closet all to myself... funny a pack rat with a lot of room to throw stuff in.. hopefully I don't overuse it.


These last two pictures are of two walls of my room. Yeah, God really got me all hooked up.

I made it through a night of sleeping through this room by myself "in big letters" BY THE GRACE OF GOD. Thanks for praying everybody. I'm a little nervous about these classes.. I think they may be tougher than the ones I was taking at Iowa State. The Old Testament syllabus looks pretty intense. I think I'm going to like the Philosophy course after looking over the books. *Nerd stamp* I'm pumped to meet some social work girls... see if any of them are crazy like me. I mean who would want *normal* people taking care of everyone's problems.... I think you have to be a little crazy. The class I haven't mentioned is........... music, and everyone knows with my music talent *cough, cough, cough...* it will be a piece of cake? Yeah, we'll see after the first week.
Please pray that I would believe truth that was a struggle yesterday. I was believing things like I am not smart enough to be here, I'm from the wrong social class, and such things that flood my head sometimes. Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa are coming to church this morning and then heading out. After that.... I'm on my "own" in Indiana. Here we go....

Late Nite Lessons

-Warsaw sounds a lot like Wabash when you are driving through it at 3am.
-Gram doesn't ever sleep well, but she says Grampa doesn't either.... so it's ok?
-Gram worries about Grampa's bloods all the time, and currently can't do anything about it.
-God is here, answers prayers.
-My dad will be here in 30 minutes.. unless they are going really fast in which case.. if they don't get pulled over, they could be here in 15 min. haha.
-My family cares a lot about me; although, i can only hope my dad has his temper when he gets here... I would have lost mine to if I had driven around the wrong town for 45 minutes looking for a holiday inn express..... oops.


Pray that we aren't all grouchy tomorrow, and that we can laugh about this later on. :)

"Gram, there was a time change if we sleep past 9am that's fine."
6am... like that is 5am in Iowa.. I am up for the first time, but TOO early, back to bed.
7am.. I blink my eyes at the clock.. roll back over. Gram would die if I woke her up at this point.
8:15... I am done sleeping like seriously. I don't have a lack of energy or anything. I'm up, ready to go.
Right now, I think I feel like a child. I want to see... really want to see. But I also am scared to touch anything because I don't want to mess up. In the back of my head, I secretly hope that against my nature I mess up some stuff that doesn't bring the world to an end and is QUITE funny. If that happens I'll be sure to share. I mean I guess I ordered my loft last night at 10pm which means unless they bring extras I might not have one right away.. which is fine.
Hey, peeps that read this frequently. My natural tendency is to be a doormat, it's like my way of meeting people and making friends. It works rather well, ummm.... but isn't too much fun for me. So if you wouldn't mind praying that I would speak my mind, let people meet ME instead of whatever design I think they would like, PEOPLE PLEASING at its worst. It's funny. I don't feel like doing that, but its like I am at this point of looking in to what could happen and what i would normally do. For instance, I think of a dresser to share. I couldn't care which drawers are mine, but if asked instead of saying I don't care I should say that I would prefer the bottom drawers because I would just silly stuff like that where I have an opinion, but I need to learn to use it. *Starts to dance, then sings* "I get to be an Adult woot woot, I get to be an adult." Wow, what a concept. Empower U thoughts---- I am going to hit a LOT of walls today, in other words, I am going to run into a lot of big fears of mine, and I will have to make a choice... old self, new self. And the funny thing is it's not selfish, pray that I believe that in a couple hours. It's really not because I would love to let others choose things and I can compromise. I live a life of compromising small stuff and big stuff (time)..... kinda like my dad. Dad and I are on the road to learning not to be a helper of ALL things, but OWNING what we help. God is good. Do you see that change. God is soooooo good. He is going to provide everything. I'm pumped. Nerves are here to, but I am excited!!! Gram, just woke up. I thought I would write till she woke up. Ha ha it might have been the typing that woke her up.. oops. So as I ended the last one. HERE WE GO....

transition...

I'm sitting here watching my brother eat crackers and peanut butter.. he tends to crack me up.. like all the time. It's weird, I really didn't know him to well before this summer... he's been living with my mom the last 4 years.. while i was living with our dad. It's been good this summer to get to know my mom and brother more. Makes me happy. So funny.. I sit here and type and my bro cracks me up again.. this time its about a toilet.. my mom is redecorating her house.. so there is currently a toilet in the garage. My bro claims that there is water in the toilet and mentioned how funny it would be if he went to the bathroom in it. This would be hilarious because my mom or Bret would eventually come across it when they went to move it back. But we are good kids so nothing like that would ever happen.. but its still a funny thought.
I'm one day out of heading to IWU. It's interesting because I am not nervous right now.. im totally content about going. God wants me there. I firmly believe that. Beyond that statement I don't have a clue what is going to come of Indiana. Well, besides a time change... waking up earlier. My classes could turn out to be really difficult, but I not thinking that...
It's been an interesting last few weeks... ending my job, seeing Chip for a last time, sending Bjo off... and then this week seeing friends for a last time for awhile. My family has also been having parties for me. They nicely provided me with some sweet gifts and money for gas.
A weird phenomenon that has been happening this week is a couple times I have like come to tears thinking of not seeing my grandpa for awhile. This was like a weird sensation since I hadn't gotten really upset about leaving or people leaving and such. So this might be a bit of a wall for me to get across. Although I know that i will miss a lot of people, its just going to come with time.. not seeing people... stuff like that.
I'm pretty pumped to meet my new roommates. I have 5 of them. I have conversed over facebook with my roommate, Ellen. I think everyone will be easy to get along with. I'm going to get to learn some humility through using other peoples stuff.... like a lack of control which will probably be good for me.
Hey, pray that I would get in the Word more. I really need to desire and thirst for that more.
Also, I think I am going to look into Harvest USA intern stuff. I prayed on it and I think it is good.... "future leader" If you wouldn't mind praying on whether that is good, hearingwise.. that'd be great!! Then just pray for peace amist transition. HERE WE GO!

Buzz

I just finished the beautiful story. It's been a treat to walk through. I spent half a day today reading it. Longing to see how it would end, probably shouldn't put what I want to since some of my friends are still getting through it. I ended it with strong feelings of love and trust... and I jumped on Facebook... odd haven't been doing that as much lately. I had a friend request.... "I think I am your roommate this fall." God blesses his children. Pray for my relationships this coming fall. Pray that I would grow and I would lead through His will. I want to see big things happen amiss the struggle that is sure to be there. God's good. He makes a heart fill with joy. Praise Jesus for alone time. WOW!

my dog

A year ago, Jacob, my cocker spaniel was killed because he ran out in the road chasing another dog. Almost exactly a year later, I sit here wondering if my dog, Gracie, is going to make it. Same driver caused the trouble, and Gracie is at the vet. It's interesting to ponder like the worth of a dog in the eyes of God. It makes me wonder like I cry out for the dog to live for my grandfather's sake, but what is the dog worth to God. I mean God gives good gifts. I don't know maybe right now isn't the time to think deep. Pray for my grandpa and grandma if you're reading that they would cope through this well. We did the exact same thing last year. I want a dog to come back to the shop not a paw print.

I wonder sometimes.. when I think about my feelings. If they didn't all come out as anger.. could I deal with the hurt. I want to be furious tonight. I want to be real mad. But in reality it's all pain, deep pain. I long to love people and I fail a lot. I fail generally due to the fact that I am not flexible. I am actually quite inflexible. I have generalizations about most things I do. For instance, when I hang out with one friend we talk REAL deep. When I hang out with another friend, we generally do silly things and think of ways of showing other friends how much we love them.. or talk about our crap, not always the wisest decision. Another friend, I step over lines of wanting to love her, knowing that she believes me with touch... I have the generalization that we will fight. I have the belief that several things we do will be fun therefore, we should do those things. I am very inflexible. My other close friend.. well I just plan on her directing what we will do, generally we talk.. she directs the convo. All these people fit into the comfort zone of how i feel around them. What I love to do with them. Not one is better or worse. But very different. I rarely change my view of things of this sort. And I feel like these people might like it if i loosed up and allowed for changes in my relationships. I feel like God is going to make changes if I am unwilling to let them happen. Clear example from this evening of my going with the plan: I was planning on praying over a friend with direct intent. We open things up ask God for direction and dive into things that we don't really fully understand, but through God's grace He works through weak people. It's good. But tonight we started talking about life. Also a very good thing to do, but my head went it is not necessary to be here talking about life. I need to be with a friend that is sick. She has to be shot.. but did i do anything... NO. I sat there figiting like crazy. Now I sit in this seat, and I am not sure what to think. I asked someone to forgive me tonight. I think it may have been a bridge to trusting her... SWEET!!!! Relearned people don't just judge me. (I've learned this many, many times before) But I didn't take care of a sick friend. Where does the balance fit? How do I make wise decisions? It's not up to me, but I feel so guilty... I am NOT God, but how am I supposed to be used in situations. Loving people hurts. A wise friend mentioned that love involves pain many times tonight. It's true, and pain either cuts things off.. because of fear or it brings people closer. Sometimes I wonder how my friends stay like I fail all of them so often. I want to be perfect. I have pictures of perfection. Being here at this time, doing this for this person, loving them in this way.. because I know that is waht they need. My problem: I generally forget that there are MANY more members of the body that want to love that person, and its many people, too. Maybe I should start mobilizing love... haha.. just a funny thought. I can't do everything I want to do for people, but since i process it outloud I generally tell people what I would like to do for them and then I don't do it. Some times that is just lying because I end up being to lazy. Other times I don't ever feel like I made the commitment it was just a thought I would have liked to have done. Either way it generally hurts the person. Some friends are benefited by me asking for forgiveness.. others lack that because I never notice or feel it is necessary. I realized tonight something profound that messes up SO many relationships... MY EXPECTATIONS. God loves me, God is changing me. It amazes me to look back 2.5 years.. but life is still changing and needs to change a LOT LOT LOT more. I hope God gives me the blessing of keeping my friends.. but maybe as several friends say, "Friends are gifts, God doesn't have to let you have them forever." So I need to learn that God provides the people I need. He doesn't not back hand me. Oh, the struggle that could come in the near future. I am currently pretty amazed that I opened up in front of 3 people that I wouldnt normally. I'm tired. I think I am going to sleep. I hope when I wake up in the morning everything is in order. I thought that was funny.. since I am not in control of that at all...... :-) God is LOVE... He loves all. I hope my friends and I believe that more tomorrow than we did today.

can't sleep... can't sleep... can't sleep. I have prayed over everythign I can think of.. and outcome.. can't sleep. I don't think it was my nap. I think it mainly has to do with trusting God. I had this guy pray over me today so that I would understand better that God is my father. The whole trusting Him doesn't go so well... It's like the whole.. knowing stuff.. but not believing it very well. I know that I am protected, God told me. I know that He is here. He told me. But I am still scared. I'm not sure what I am going to do. It's very interesting. I am SO tired, but yet I can't sleep. I pray for trust in God... that He would give me strength to do that. I don't know. I don't like nights like this. Hopefully trusting God will increase more and more quickly... so that things like this aren't so much of a struggle. I feel like calling someone.. waking up my friend.. or anything that involves someone here with me, but I don't know how that would be good.. since I need to learn to trust Him. Oh, that sleep would come and come quickly. My plea.

Healing....

So as I walk into what could possibly be the most amazing conference I've ever been to.. that is saying a lot because the retreat I went to that Ed Noble taught at. OH MAN! Talking about the Holy Spirit, opening my eyes to things that were always present but I was ignorant... get me psyched. It actually was one of the first times the whole healing thing came up.
Story:
I was sitting after a talk, and this girl was talking about being really depressed. I was listening and feel empathetic towards her... I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Listen, listen, listen. "Kellie, if you place your hands on her and command the depression to leave she will not be depressed anymore" -God. Ok, so that hadn't really happened before. I was like thinking... ok, that was weird, but I'll IGNORE it.. and life will go on. (I wouldn't suggest ignoring God... it's generally not a good idea) So back... listen, listen, listen. same thing "Kellie, if you place your hands on her and command the depression to leave she will not be depressed anymore" -God. Ok so this happened like 3-4 times... and I finally was like ok, I guess this is real and good. So I opened my mouth. I said, "_______, God wants to heal you. He wants to take this depression away right now. He is willing to heal you." She looked at me. Then told me she didn't want it to leave. Being Kellie, the people pleaser I am, I said, "Ok." We discussed some other stuff and the night went on. I was later told by a mentory dude that I shouldn't listen to demons, people don't generally want to keep things like that, but oops. Thank goodness for God's grace.
So I have had several stories of that sort:
I'm in the mist of getting deliverance, and after I am cleaned out. PRAISE GOD! My arms started burning and I was told to put my left arm on the leaders shoulder, and God tells me after I do that He will tell me what I need to pray. It's a bit of a trust walk. I wimp out because I don't understand why I would be used the second I am free... like it was a bit confusing for me. I think the leader even asked if someone felt the need to pray over him. Then his wife and him took off. My normal self starts asking people if they were being told to pray and then I tell them what is going on with me. We took off to go down to his place. God told me what to pray over him. I didn't check back up on him so I don't know how it ended, but faith was grown none the less.
The other story that has happened to me is this:
Back at college two years ago, a guy on campus fell into a lake and died. The day they found him I was walking by the lake and saw the ambulances and police. I was minding my own business when God decided to throw me a curve ball. "Kellie, go place your hands on that guy and He will come back to life." Haha, God now that is REAL REAL REAL funny. I am NOT a lunetic!!! Hello.....! I kept walking... I mean I was going to class. A couple steps forward I am told the same thing and I just kept walking this happened multiple times. Then I started getting curious. So I walked up on the MU porch and watched for a bit. I got told the same thing, but this time I was given an exact route to get to the guy like I saw a very distinct line in my minds eye. I was like I can't do that. God do you know what would happen to me if he didn't come back to life like I would be put on the sixth floor. I prayed a bit and then walked to class. I later decided that God was doing some serious faith stretching through that. I'm 100% percent positive the guy would have come back, but God didn't have that in his plan because He knew his servant.
Other than that.. i just have random times sometimes where my arms start burning and I am like, "God, I don't understand."
So all this to say my experience has been... well interesting, but this weekend I get to go to a conference on Healing and I am pumped! I get to hang with some people that are going to understand me and help me grow. So I will blog further on that when I get back.

I've been getting excited about this ministry for awhile. I was talking to a friend last night and she was talking about sharing the gospel. I was like well I want to do it a little different. I want to do it like I picture Jesus did it. He went into an area, healed somebody and people watching that were hurting and such came to Him as Savior. I want people to find Him the same way they use to. I am excited to be His instrument in that, but since I want to do it like Jesus. He usually shared to gospel in some way. So in theory, I am doing the exact same thing that my friend was talking about. I just like to cause unnecessary arguments.. haha not really. I just do it alot on accident.
Another friend, mentioned that she read, I think, about this guy that likes to jump on trampolines like with his beliefs. I tend to lean that direction, but this guy says he has a lot of faithful people around the outside of his trampoline, so that he doesn't jump to high and fall off. I pray that God would put people around me also, so that I don't get lost like a lot of people that get too famous and such. I have faith that people like Joyce Meyers started with good intentions and such, but Satan tempted with money, fame, or something and that caused them to go off the straight and narrow. I want my friends to call me out on things like that; although, I need God to help me accept it well.
It will be interesting in the future like whether God will keep me in the US or send me overseas. I think this gift could be used anywhere. Praise God for grace! I pray that I would let God guide me to where I am supposed to be that is in His will. Indiana, here I come.

So today was very interesting... I am staying with my best friend since her roommate is out of town.. and this morning i woke up and thought I would take a quiz. So I walked outside to get my textbook and locked myself out of her apartment.. luckily i have my keys. I then went to work, the first part of work was hard. My grandfather was telling me how messed up everyone in my family is.. which is normal, but i about started crying... it's hard to listen to sometimes. Then my grandma showed up a bit crabby. We got the work done... through some more negative comments. I went to lunch with my grandma... and had some alone time. GOOD NEWS..... but then i went back to the shop... got into have to go fast mode since my grandpa mentions when i am toooo slow.
Here's the big story:
I walk inside to get my iced tea, walk back out and jump into the van. Back up three feet and hit a delivery vehicle. I guess he pulled in while i was getting my tea, which took 5-6 seconds tops. I looked at the cool little screen that tells you what is behind you and it looked like the guy was back like 9 feet which i could have made it through. I backed up, he turned around and his face went white... 1.5 seconds later... SMASH. Cost of damage: 1300 bucks... BUT thankfully we didnt have to turn it in.. so my insurance won't go up. whew.. cuz that would have been bad news! Yeah, so this has been a rough day to put it lightly. Now I am off to do the final night of bible study. I get to have pork chops then hang out with 6 kindergarteners for 1.5 hours... and then im done with that. chill time with a buddy.. and bed. OH what a day!

I never figured out what God was trying to teach me through this.... maybe He'll tell me eventually.

waiting....

So i am sitting here popping grape tomatoes in my mouth.. yum yum! It's interesting, it's been a month. And I'm not sure that I have any clearer of an answer about my future than i did a month ago. I still have no idea if financial aid is going to pull through. My desire to leave ames hasn't come. All I really know is I am signed up to take classes that would transfer to Indiana and they'd be a waste of my time at ISU. Which STINKS! I have been thinking... which sometimes isn't so hot about my God. I have been living for the past couple months under a King that says go here... now go there... now go here. Only viewing that end of my God, somehow I have managed to leave out the fact that my God is a loving God that wants me to delight in Him, and wants to give me the desires of my heart. I don't ever have trouble wrapping my head around the judging God side, but when it comes to my desires and passions.... well I need to stiff them so that I can be more effective for the Kingdom... well, maybe effective for the Kingdom in my heart is living in the dorms, doing too many activities... with TOO many people. Loving everyone I'm around and loving the fact that I am loving it. That sounds like me, that sounds like what I would do, even if it meant NO A/C. Yikes! But I don't like to let my head move too far in that direction because part of me still feels like God wants me in Indiana, but it bugs me because I have NO idea why. I can fit all of the dorm stuff into Indiana like I am required to live in the dorms in Indiana. My uncle posed a good point... He said that God generally in the Bible brings the body together, or sends out in groups or at least more than one. He thought it was odd that God would want me to go to Indiana by myself. He also mentioned Proverbs 4:25- 27 reading, "Let your eyes look straight ahead of you, fix your gave directly before you. Make level paths for your feet, and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the left or to the right; keep your foor from evil." So beyond the classes for the summer, I am still waiting to receive the gift God will give me with the info for financial aid from Indiana. It'll be a gift of staying at ISU or a gift of money to go to IWU.
I'm unsure about my future........ thats the end.

I grew up in a working class family.

I just sat through a class on poverty. It always triggers negative emotions. Most of the class grew up in a middle class family... and in the past I have put myself in that catagory, but today I couldn't. A middle class family is usually a family that has parents that went to college. My mom is in college right now to be a nurse and my dad won't ever go. It isn't necessary for him to go. He will make good money taking over my grandparents business. It's not really a problem to realize this it just hits me wrong. Like parents in working class families don't do extra things with their kids.. like reading to them and such. So I guess my life makes sense except that my gparents jumped in and took me all over the world and bought me whatever I wanted that throws me into a weird part of this catagory. This pattern continues today... if i want something I'm not going to go to my dad or my mom... I'll call my grandparents.. hope grandma answers and ask for whatever I need... or maybe its a want most of the time.
Talking about poverty also messes with me because I understand that it puts people into a different thought process like people in poverty don't think like I do. But it hurts because kids that grow up in poverty aren't going to have the chances to come out even when they are thrown in their face because I don't think the information gets thrown in their face in a way they understand. Like give a young adult who grew up in poverty money- they blow it fast... Because that is what they are use to. So the thing I would like to put out there to ponder is how do you get an adult to understand that they grew up in poverty and fight the thought processes, so that it isn't a continued process for life? I don't know the answer.

head overload

So i met with a group of people today and we were discussing all kinds of things about relationships... and how the past effects them. We talked about how the past seems to be an accent of the future.. like something we can't get rid of. It was all interesting and worth noting. I was wisely told that I should stop testing people, just trust. Testing people is not so good. It is a safety mechanism that I continue to use. If i tell you THIS then you won't be my friend anymore... it goes beyond being a vunerablility thing to being a control thing. The trouble is not being vunerable; although, I'm starting to conclude that I have more trouble with being vunerable than I thought.. like take crying. I never thought i had trouble crying in front of people till stuff starts coming up that I could cry about and then it's like... well cry.. BUT no that isn't necessary. So I want to keep in mind not testing people, I think i should ponder it some more though because I think that maybe i test things differently than I use to like maybe I test my use in the body of Christ as whether or not people will leave me. I am setting people up for the same failure because people don't just leave, but I still think sometimes that there is this one thing that will change everything.
Another thing that came up during group was thinking more positively. It came up because one of the girl's was talking down on herself. I have very similar thoughts to her sometimes. I was realizing that some of the reasons why my life doesn't change is because I say, "I don't want _______" but when I say that I walk straight towards that object, thought, action, whatever that I didn't want. We talked briefly about thinking about something positive that we could walk towards instead. Like fight the thought I don't want to be like my mom with I want to be assertive in this situation not the victim. And then doing the positive thing. It's a simple thing that will help out a lot. I also had a lot of thoughts on memorizing scripture because as everyone was talking i was thinking man scripture would beat these lies up like crazy. So maybe a friend's advice to memorize some scripture should not only be taken to heart but acted upon!
I was given a definition of anger today that made me think.. A girl said that anger was being hurt, but being safe about it. This got me excited because it gives me a vision of not being angry. If I get angry the next thought can be Why am I angry? the answer will be some form of hurt, so I need to forgive the person and God will take away those feelings. Wow! Unless it is righteous anger, but if that was the case... I could still pray; it would just be a different type of prayer. It's amazing how all the issues we talk about God has a way of dealing with them. We just have to walk towards it.
I relate a lot to feelings that I don't want to.. so I think that I should go through some feelings that I have about my mom again. Possibly cry and such. Two weeks ago, I walked out thinking.. man, I am a B**** in some situations with close friends.. this week i walked out with these thoughts. A lot more positive.... progress and growth... i should blog about my spring break so that i can put on paper what I feel about that.
Thoughts on life... waht a joy to voice.

So walking on...

It's weird to be like.. well I don't really know what I am going to be doing next year. It's been a rough bit of time.. realizing that I am going to have to say goodbye to friends that I thought I was going to be around for like 2 more years at least. I wonder if there will be another solid hello.. or will it be passing glances.. whispers in the quick sand of time that I get to see these people again. I want to say no... I want to be able to stay here.. but God has bigger ideas. I read through the whole website a little bit ago. It seems like the University is so expensive because of all kinds of new remodeling. I don't care so much about how things look, like I know I will like the really nice furniture and housing, but I also know that it is not necessary. I wonder about the Social Work program. I am sure it will get me ready for Graduate School... I wonder about the people out there.... are they lukewarm.. or are they running hard after God. Am I going to be able to engage in worship and such. but then i think stop.... you have been thinking about going to Turkey for over a year now... and the people in Turkey aren't going to hand you a worship service like C-stone.. so maybe I am going to learn how to better feed myself or something. Really its fun to think that everything is going to be alright. I was naughty this past weekend and I went and bought a mac computer... I am going to give my computer that I had been using to my brother who is starting college next fall. It was going to be fun being at the same college as him.. but nevermind that. I think I am getting sick... yuck.. you know the whole nose is running and won't stop plus the ear ache... and body aches.. but it'll be over soon enough. I don't know what is in store for me. I think I need to learn how to be flexible. I struggle with not knowing all the information involved in anything I do. But God still says Trust Me. and by all means He is worth trusting. So I sit another day wondering what this life is coming to, but walking forward becuase I know that everything will in fact be ok. It's great to have encouragement around me. I need it. Dependence on God is needed too........ and that is an eternal need.. so random thoughts splurt. The end.

An after thought

I think about the future and tend to get really confused. Then I get frustrated because confusion is not from God. It is from Satan. I wish I knew why I was being directed the way that I am. I yearned last year to hear from God, to see His power at work through me, to be a part of His Kingdom on Earth, but what have I gotten myself into. God speaks, I can hear, I now know how to test spirits, but its just so hard to hear God say go. I've always thought that God would say GO to this far away land and spread the gospel to people that I have called by name. Putting me in some place that is unsafe that I would solely have to depend on Him. It's possible that is in my future, but right now God says Go.. and this time He means a couple states away to a town the size of Ames to live on a legalistic campus and do ministry there. What will these people think of the higher gifts. Will they think I am crazy when I say God has given me the gift of healing? Will I have to fight to hear from God? No, He'll be right there with me the whole way. (I love when God speaks while I am thinking. Interrupting lies.) I titled my blog confusion made clear in God's time.. I should have ended it by saying, through my trust in Him. He is going to make this confusing time and any more that comes my way make sense in His time. Can I say I can't wait till that happens? :) Until them.. I feel like a child... who should only think of the right now.. because my Dad has control of the rest. He isn't going to let me stumble or walk in front of a truck going 40mph on the road in front of me. He is my Fortress, my Help in troubled times. My Rock, my redeemer, my healer, my Savior.... all truths about Him from His word. I like the fact that I am safe in Him. He is willing to put a hedge of protection around me, so that I can continue to walk in this world. Walk forward on His narrow path. I don't know exactly what is to come beyond: Indiana Wesleyan University next fall... unless God changes His mind and has something better for His dearly loved child. "I'm going to be ok." that is the general thrust of taht blog. But I just can't see the ok life yet. This might just be the life God wants for me to not see far into the future and always be ready to pick my self up and move where ever He leads. Confirmation from a friend that prayed about this was: Gen 12:1 and Matthew 10:37-39... Praise Jesus for answered prayer.. but oh goodness HOLD ON.