head overload

So i met with a group of people today and we were discussing all kinds of things about relationships... and how the past effects them. We talked about how the past seems to be an accent of the future.. like something we can't get rid of. It was all interesting and worth noting. I was wisely told that I should stop testing people, just trust. Testing people is not so good. It is a safety mechanism that I continue to use. If i tell you THIS then you won't be my friend anymore... it goes beyond being a vunerablility thing to being a control thing. The trouble is not being vunerable; although, I'm starting to conclude that I have more trouble with being vunerable than I thought.. like take crying. I never thought i had trouble crying in front of people till stuff starts coming up that I could cry about and then it's like... well cry.. BUT no that isn't necessary. So I want to keep in mind not testing people, I think i should ponder it some more though because I think that maybe i test things differently than I use to like maybe I test my use in the body of Christ as whether or not people will leave me. I am setting people up for the same failure because people don't just leave, but I still think sometimes that there is this one thing that will change everything.
Another thing that came up during group was thinking more positively. It came up because one of the girl's was talking down on herself. I have very similar thoughts to her sometimes. I was realizing that some of the reasons why my life doesn't change is because I say, "I don't want _______" but when I say that I walk straight towards that object, thought, action, whatever that I didn't want. We talked briefly about thinking about something positive that we could walk towards instead. Like fight the thought I don't want to be like my mom with I want to be assertive in this situation not the victim. And then doing the positive thing. It's a simple thing that will help out a lot. I also had a lot of thoughts on memorizing scripture because as everyone was talking i was thinking man scripture would beat these lies up like crazy. So maybe a friend's advice to memorize some scripture should not only be taken to heart but acted upon!
I was given a definition of anger today that made me think.. A girl said that anger was being hurt, but being safe about it. This got me excited because it gives me a vision of not being angry. If I get angry the next thought can be Why am I angry? the answer will be some form of hurt, so I need to forgive the person and God will take away those feelings. Wow! Unless it is righteous anger, but if that was the case... I could still pray; it would just be a different type of prayer. It's amazing how all the issues we talk about God has a way of dealing with them. We just have to walk towards it.
I relate a lot to feelings that I don't want to.. so I think that I should go through some feelings that I have about my mom again. Possibly cry and such. Two weeks ago, I walked out thinking.. man, I am a B**** in some situations with close friends.. this week i walked out with these thoughts. A lot more positive.... progress and growth... i should blog about my spring break so that i can put on paper what I feel about that.
Thoughts on life... waht a joy to voice.