bathed in love....

I'm not sure what to write.... I probably should go to bed.... but I feel like I need to put some thoughts on here before I go to sleep, and then rethink about them tomorrow as I continue to hash them out. I was challenged tonight to think about rest. Beautiful, loving words were given to me, but hard words. I don't think it should be a fear to be in the presence of God for a long time, but sometimes it is. The challenge was to go a week without doing anything I would consider a "doing" for Christ. Just be for a week. This sounds strangely familar.. I think I have told a friend to do that a time or two... Just be. Well, now the ball is in my court, and I don't know what just be looks like. I do believe God wants to love me. I also believe that God does everything on His own, it is by His grace that He allows me to take a part in His work. I also have a fear of becoming apathetic.. this ugly word that haunts me over the shoulder. I want to live life in the will of God for God's glory. I do long for that. It's funny to think what a week could do. If I did it. I haven't committed yet. I want to be serious about it. But in a week, I think it's possible God could teach me alot about myself, and through the love of Him I think some solid lies (I'm not even sure what they are) could be overcome. It's a win situation besides getting past the fear. So this was going against my do-er attitude, I love being in God's work. When does that become my work.... when does that become somethign I am doing for outward appearance. SICK! I was thinking about compassion. Here's the deal, I don't feel that a word to describe me would be compassionate. I would describe myself as having a low view of me and being a people pleaser. I love bringing a smile to people's face, but I don't think that is always for the glory of God. I think sometimes its selfish. (number one sin that I have to repent of....) I was talking about compassion because God has been growing that area in me.... makes me wonder if people are praying for that or something. Today I almost started crying twice. The two people I trust here like solid, had hard stuff going on in their lives. I started to cry at lunch, but was able to pull myself together. And tonight the same sort of thing happened, but again I was able to hold myself together.... People that know me good... yeah, you're right I don't like to cry in front of people. :-/ But as I talked about this, these great gals mentioned that I am too hard on myself. (Have I heard that before?) I also talked tonight with a friend, and unearthed my issue of wanting affirmation. I remember striving really hard for it growing up. Grandma Jene and Grandpa Chris were on the FRONT LINES all the time... seriously, they were behind everything I did. Bless them. I love them so, but my kid heart yearned for my mommy and daddy to see. I remember my mom getting my softball number on a shirt and wearing it to a game... that was precious. I strive for affirmation and right now, I'm not even sure who I want it from. Another reason why the rest suggestion is a good one. Ok. so my head is spinning, and I think I am done putting thoughts together. Thank Jesus that tonight I was blessed with an amazing discussion that was so crazy loving, but in so much disagreement on stuff, but yet not disagreement. God really blessed it. I learned tonight that I have a lot more in common with two of my roommates than I knew. Praise the Lord for the placement in this state, school, and to ho. Wow. I'm almost a fourth of the way through, and Jesus is just getting started. I am going to keep accountability with these girls and maybe study some stuff out. So if you could pray that that would happen. That'd be tight. Also pray that God would place it on my heart to have a week without doing if that is what He would will. Losing control, but gaining so much from a more intimate relationship with Jesus. I have 4 tests and a paper due next week, so stess would be a good thing to pray for too. And pray that my roommates would continue to be blessed to be a blessing to others. Tonight was beautiful.